I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
