Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
