oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dating After Heartbreak
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.