If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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