so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
