we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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