I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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