Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
