found the other keg... it's in the tree
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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