when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Your penis caused this!
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