She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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