youre lurking in front of me
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
