And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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