i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
