i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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