curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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