Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
