its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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