Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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