Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
