birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
