There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
