Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
