wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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