True but thats because hes a fetus.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
