Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
