my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
