if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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