she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
