I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize