you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
