Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
