ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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