I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
