I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
