I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
