Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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