My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
