he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
