3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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