At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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