Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
