toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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