dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
