Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
