Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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