Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
