I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
