if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
