when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I am in a vortex of obligation.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
