We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
