There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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