I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
