some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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