Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
