I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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